Understanding that you are good enough

My wife, Cathy, and I have three kids, aged 13, 11, and 9.

For the last couple of days, Cathy has been on a work trip. I have essentially been a single dad. The kids aren’t toddlers anymore, and are actually quite useful. But it still hasn’t been easy. 

I was once the co-owner of a consulting business. Our office administrator was Marsha. Over the years, she shared stories with me about her incredible journey raising two boys as a single parent. At times, my jaw dropped. She was not trying to impress me, but help me understand the experiences that made her who she is. I came to realize that she is one of the strongest people I have ever met in my life. I suspect her kids learned so much from the way she navigated adversity because I learned so much.

My tiny glimpse of single parenthood over the past few days has reminded me of the monumental task that parenting is. 

Getting kids out the door on time for school with moderately healthy lunches. This also assumes that people can afford safe housing and food during this crazy moment in time.

Making sure they have clean, matching socks. Okay, I can live with any socks and shoes on their feet. Okay just shoes works as well.

Making sure they know they are loved. 

Learning to understand emotions as their bodies are growing, their chemical composition changing, and their personalities forming. (I learn every day).

I used to think that I was short-changing my kids by not being able to run down the soccer field with them, teaching them to ride their bikes, or just be a “normal”, able-bodied dad. People tell Cathy and I all the time how useful and kind our kids are. Despite adversity, I can say that they are all empathetic beings, aware of the needs of those around them, both inside and outside our house. Could it be because of built-in adversity that they are empathetic?

I have respect for all parents. That includes single parents. Those parenting with MS, or some other life circumstance. I have special admiration for single parents living with MS or some other life circumstance.

For anyone watching a parent. Don’t judge.  Ask if you can help in any way. Be okay with no. Ask if you can buy them a coffee. Be a pylon, somebody who just listens, not gives advice. Be kind. They are likely not looking for pity, just appreciation for the job they are doing in the best way they can.

When you leave the hospital after having a baby, they don’t give you a manual telling you how to raise a good kid. Parents are not going to get everything right. We are not going to be able to provide all of the material things that we are told our kids need. In my 13 years as a parent, I have learned my kids need me to:

give them a hug

be present, focussed on what they are saying, not my phone, or what is going on in the background

not to solve all of their problems for them, but offer advice only if asked

participate in their activities in whatever form I can even if it means playing catch with my one working hand, singing Taylor Swift songs that seem to be on perpetual repeat in our house, teaching them about planting cherry tomatoes, which never seem to make it into the house.

I have learned to do the best I can. My kids are watching me. They don’t expect perfection. They are looking at me and how I respond to curveballs. Honesty. Integrity. Compassion. They are looking for me, no matter how imperfect.